"Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be close to you..."
Such was I singing while washing dishes in my humble little kitchen, when Tom snuck up to stand transfixed in the doorway, catching his first taste of my musical voice.
Well, shit. I hate getting snuck up on, much less while I'm singing. I've always been self-conscious of my voice outside of a theater setting. But his reaction was to stroke my cheek and tell me that I sounded beautiful, and why didn't I sing more? So I scowled and went back to my cruddy dishes.
Playing Tybalt is turning out to be a huge amount of entertaining work. I can now stage fight with a knife and hand-to-hand. My epic fight with Benvolio in the very first scene of the play ends with me knocking her to the ground and disarming her. I've been told that my character for this version is a femme fatale, headstrong, sexy, frightening. I've got that down, minus the sexy part, I'm sure.
As for my schoolwork, I'm on schedule for the first time in, well, ever. I haven't been skipping readings or half-assing assignments, and my senior thesis is coming along smoothly at a pace that surprises me. Everything is going well. I am quite pleased with myself.
What doesn't seem to be happening is my grad school applications... and studying for the GRE, which I will be taking on the morning of November 20. I've set aside a block of time later this week to write up my plan of attack for these things. Therefore I'll put off talking about it now, since the stress is already causing me to shed my hair all over the place at a rather alarming rate.
In other news, I made penne alla vodka for Tom on Saturday. I twisted my mother's recipe a little, using crushed tomatoes and shallots in the sauce alongside lots and lots of garlic, basil, and cream. I paired it with ciabatta slathered in garlic, butter, and chives. The sparkle in his eyes as he scarfed his first plate (of three) was enough to make my entire week. If there's one thing I do well, it is make people smile with my cooking. I recall Fabi's surprise as she wolfed down a ton of broccoli in my sake-stir-fried noodle dish a few weeks ago.
My September is already three quarters of the way over. Today is the first day of fall, my last fall as an undergraduate... And this is where the depressing things start.
This may or may not be my last year in the thrilling world of academia. This may or may not be my last year in America. It's my last as an undergrad, but who knows where I'll go from here? Into theater? Film school? Grad school? A job? Who knows. Maybe I'll stay here in Boston. Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll go back home... although I don't feel that's the best option for me. My life is here, rooted in people and places and the warm first days of September and chilly last days of April. I have become a woman of scarves and peacoats and earmuffs, of boots and umbrellas, of Thai food and seafood and chowdah, of a year of autumn and winter with just a hint of spring and summer. Life in northern New England, in Boston, is what I've grown accustomed to, what I've grown to love. But Japan, England, Italy, all those places I am dying to go to... Will there be time? Am I afraid my youth will run out before I can experience these things without the pains that come with growing into the responsibilities of adulthood?
Every time someone mentions that it's my senior year and I'm twenty-one, I tend to fake cry, although tears now start to threaten my vision, peeping out of the corners of my eyes and wondering if it's an appropriate time to go sliding down my cheeks. If I'm with people also in my situation, we heave a group sigh and trudge on to wherever we were going. If I'm with an underclassman friend, they pat my shoulder and tell me how much they'll miss me. If I'm with Tom, he puts a hand to my cheek or ruffles my hair and tells me that it's almost my time to fly, and that I need to spread my wings, and that he'll miss me if I go but that wherever he'll wish me the best of luck and fortune.
While sitting on a bench at fight rehearsal on Saturday, my head buried in my script, a little bird lighted next to me. It cocked its head and hopped around a bit, and when a companion joined it then took up positions extremely close to me, chirping away, turned half towards me almost like they were trying to include me in their conversation. Tom wandered over and began, "Why do birds suddenly appear..." in his typical off-key alto. Emotional diabetic coma. It was terribly sweet.
Terribly sweet. That's things right now. Unbearably awesome. Smoothly chaotic. Perfect.
Perfect? I'll take it.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Drawn, and Talk of Peace?
It has been almost two weeks since I last wrote, but I have a valid excuse. I was auditioning for BU Shakespeare Society's production of Romeo and Juliet. The show goes up in November, and I'll be playing the esteemed and sassy role of Tybalt.
Aren't you proud of me?
Also Jessi and I have been working on the specs for the play we plan to put up in the spring. Last year we did Hamlet. This year we are tackling the lesser known and highly unconventional Titus Andronicus.
I want to say that my life is peaceful here, that things are going along quietly. But they're not. There are bumps, roadblocks, hills to climb and cliffs that demand I either take a chance and jump now or find the less exhilarating but more perilous way down. I've already significantly injured myself. My friend Tom is playing Romeo in the aforementioned production and after engaging in a heated fist fight he strangles me to death on stage. During stage combat rehearsal he has already succumbed to the heat of the moment and actually grabbed my neck and thrown me to the ground. I've also had my fair share of anxiety, from the dishes my roommates live in the sink too long to boys clamoring for my favor to trying to memorize all those kanji that I still don't quite know. It's been a productive and exhausting two weeks, to say the least.
But I'm completely happy. And that is absolutely wonderfully new.
More later, I promise, dear reader. Just as soon as I memorize these lines...
Aren't you proud of me?
Also Jessi and I have been working on the specs for the play we plan to put up in the spring. Last year we did Hamlet. This year we are tackling the lesser known and highly unconventional Titus Andronicus.
I want to say that my life is peaceful here, that things are going along quietly. But they're not. There are bumps, roadblocks, hills to climb and cliffs that demand I either take a chance and jump now or find the less exhilarating but more perilous way down. I've already significantly injured myself. My friend Tom is playing Romeo in the aforementioned production and after engaging in a heated fist fight he strangles me to death on stage. During stage combat rehearsal he has already succumbed to the heat of the moment and actually grabbed my neck and thrown me to the ground. I've also had my fair share of anxiety, from the dishes my roommates live in the sink too long to boys clamoring for my favor to trying to memorize all those kanji that I still don't quite know. It's been a productive and exhausting two weeks, to say the least.
But I'm completely happy. And that is absolutely wonderfully new.
More later, I promise, dear reader. Just as soon as I memorize these lines...
Monday, September 7, 2009
That's A Start
I've been back in Boston for a week, and already things are picking up at a pace that surprises me.
When last you heard from me the apartment was still in shambles. Now that the oven is no longer spewing gas, the entire kitchen is scrubbed clean, and our hallway has been cleared of boxes and plastic bags, the apartment is now presentable for public viewing. Christina and Fabiana are both settled and unpacked, and my bed was finally delivered.
This weekend was an interesting mix of pleasant and upsetting. Friday night I went to see Sarah and William (who played a wonderful female Horatio and Polonius, respectively, in our Hamlet last semester) in a play called The Shape of Things. Afterward the group of us that had gone to see them went along with them to Sunset Cantina. We had loaded nachos, drinks, and lively conversation.
It was a good night, until a friend of mine who had met up with us at the Cantina attempted a flying leap between the ladders. And as sad and somewhat insulting the Ladder Theory is, it's true. When a good friend tries to make something more of a relationship, and you don't feel the same way... Well, things feel funny. I explained that I want to be friends but that I wasn't interested in dating him. Rejection sucks on both sides but there's nothing I can do to change how I feel, and it seems to me that he didn't accept my flat-out, rather painfully blunt response. This has never been easy, and I'd like to think that I did my best without sounding heartless. I just can't start something when my heart's not in it.
Saturday morning I woke up feeling very put-out and groggy, so I stuck close to Christina for the day. It's impossible not to be cheerful around Christina, even when the dishwasher is spewing suds and water all over the kitchen floor and you can't figure out how to screw wooden tables into a wall and there's no decent food in the apartment that doesn't require a microwave. We ended up going out and buying a microwave for said food, picking up a few other essentials, and by the time we finished the delicious dinner Bakr made for us (korma and pilau, Indian food, so freaking good), I was ready for another night of fun.
I ran out and met Daniel in Audubon Circle and we walked out to Sunset Grill in Allston. We met our friends Ben, Riddhi, Carlos, and Alex, our classmates from the Intensive Kanji class we all took last semester, and the drinks and conversation flowed easy. I had some Dogfish Head 120 Minute IPA, which to this date is the best beer I've ever tasted. It came at Daniel's recommendation and the proof is high, but after one of those and a cocktail laced with sweet Blue Curacao I was ready for some water. Ben was pretty much acting ridiculous at this point, so we all walked with him back to his apartment and got sucked into playing video games with his roommates. I found myself curled up next to Daniel on the floor while he showed me pictures from Puerto Rico on his iPhone.
The next day I woke up at 8:15 and had ten minutes to throw on a bathing suit, clothes, and stuff a towel and money in a bag before I was whisked away. A large group of us hopped on the earliest commuter train to Ipswich and spent the day basking in the last real day of summer, and I found myself combating my hangover with a Bacardi Silver Mojito and homemade chocolate chip cookies at 10:30 on a Sunday morning.
The beach was cold, the air making it freezing enough that we kept our sweatshirts on, and I spent most of the time napping on the beach blanket with Christina while the boys played ultimate frisbee around us. We got back to BU campus around seven, and while Fabi went off to meet friends for dinner, Christina and I showered off the sand and salt water and picked up massive burritos from Chipotle down in Landmark Center. We ate these on her futon while watching Iron Chef America, then putzed around the apartment until we got sleepy.
Today the oven was fixed and I spent some time cleaning the apartment and working on my first presentation for my Shakespeare class. It's on Titus Andronicus, specifically focusing on the rape of Lavinia and how it compares to Ovid's telling of the tale of Philomela. Daniel stopped by in the afternoon with a melon pan for me from Japonaise bakery. We ate and talked for a while and then I got back to work.
As I'm typing this I'm curled up on the futon with Christina in her room, full of pizza and the Japanese strawberry cream cake that Bakr brought over for us. Tomorrow I have class and work from nine to five, and oddly enough I'm looking forward to it. I love being busy, and I love being in Boston.
This year has gotten off to such a good start, and the pains of the past are no longer plaguing me with such ferocity as they once did. Thank God.
When last you heard from me the apartment was still in shambles. Now that the oven is no longer spewing gas, the entire kitchen is scrubbed clean, and our hallway has been cleared of boxes and plastic bags, the apartment is now presentable for public viewing. Christina and Fabiana are both settled and unpacked, and my bed was finally delivered.
This weekend was an interesting mix of pleasant and upsetting. Friday night I went to see Sarah and William (who played a wonderful female Horatio and Polonius, respectively, in our Hamlet last semester) in a play called The Shape of Things. Afterward the group of us that had gone to see them went along with them to Sunset Cantina. We had loaded nachos, drinks, and lively conversation.
It was a good night, until a friend of mine who had met up with us at the Cantina attempted a flying leap between the ladders. And as sad and somewhat insulting the Ladder Theory is, it's true. When a good friend tries to make something more of a relationship, and you don't feel the same way... Well, things feel funny. I explained that I want to be friends but that I wasn't interested in dating him. Rejection sucks on both sides but there's nothing I can do to change how I feel, and it seems to me that he didn't accept my flat-out, rather painfully blunt response. This has never been easy, and I'd like to think that I did my best without sounding heartless. I just can't start something when my heart's not in it.
Saturday morning I woke up feeling very put-out and groggy, so I stuck close to Christina for the day. It's impossible not to be cheerful around Christina, even when the dishwasher is spewing suds and water all over the kitchen floor and you can't figure out how to screw wooden tables into a wall and there's no decent food in the apartment that doesn't require a microwave. We ended up going out and buying a microwave for said food, picking up a few other essentials, and by the time we finished the delicious dinner Bakr made for us (korma and pilau, Indian food, so freaking good), I was ready for another night of fun.
I ran out and met Daniel in Audubon Circle and we walked out to Sunset Grill in Allston. We met our friends Ben, Riddhi, Carlos, and Alex, our classmates from the Intensive Kanji class we all took last semester, and the drinks and conversation flowed easy. I had some Dogfish Head 120 Minute IPA, which to this date is the best beer I've ever tasted. It came at Daniel's recommendation and the proof is high, but after one of those and a cocktail laced with sweet Blue Curacao I was ready for some water. Ben was pretty much acting ridiculous at this point, so we all walked with him back to his apartment and got sucked into playing video games with his roommates. I found myself curled up next to Daniel on the floor while he showed me pictures from Puerto Rico on his iPhone.
The next day I woke up at 8:15 and had ten minutes to throw on a bathing suit, clothes, and stuff a towel and money in a bag before I was whisked away. A large group of us hopped on the earliest commuter train to Ipswich and spent the day basking in the last real day of summer, and I found myself combating my hangover with a Bacardi Silver Mojito and homemade chocolate chip cookies at 10:30 on a Sunday morning.
The beach was cold, the air making it freezing enough that we kept our sweatshirts on, and I spent most of the time napping on the beach blanket with Christina while the boys played ultimate frisbee around us. We got back to BU campus around seven, and while Fabi went off to meet friends for dinner, Christina and I showered off the sand and salt water and picked up massive burritos from Chipotle down in Landmark Center. We ate these on her futon while watching Iron Chef America, then putzed around the apartment until we got sleepy.
Today the oven was fixed and I spent some time cleaning the apartment and working on my first presentation for my Shakespeare class. It's on Titus Andronicus, specifically focusing on the rape of Lavinia and how it compares to Ovid's telling of the tale of Philomela. Daniel stopped by in the afternoon with a melon pan for me from Japonaise bakery. We ate and talked for a while and then I got back to work.
As I'm typing this I'm curled up on the futon with Christina in her room, full of pizza and the Japanese strawberry cream cake that Bakr brought over for us. Tomorrow I have class and work from nine to five, and oddly enough I'm looking forward to it. I love being busy, and I love being in Boston.
This year has gotten off to such a good start, and the pains of the past are no longer plaguing me with such ferocity as they once did. Thank God.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Counting Chickens
Tuesday I was far too tired to write. My parents and I drove into Boston around noon, and with the help of Christina, Bakr, and Sterling, unloaded all my things into the apartment. Soon after my parents left for home, we got Christina and Fabiana moved in with the help of a UHaul and more friends. The evenings was spent eating the zucchini bread I had made and unpacking, assembling, setting up. Erin came by to say hello and deliver carrot cake and after she left I crashed on the air mattress serving as my resting place until my bed is delivered.
Park Drive is so different from the other places I've lived in this city. For one thing, it's not a dorm. For the firs time ever, I live on the first floor, and while the apartment is small it's cozy and homey and wonderful. As of now there is still plastic wrap and boxes strewn everywhere. In the hallway, in front of my door, in Christina's room, which remains far from put together. But already it's starting to become comfortable, habitable.
Wednesday was my fist day of classes. I walked to the College of Arts and Sciences building this morning with Imogen Heap's "Earth" playing on my iPod. The clear blue sky, brilliant sunlight, the whirring of cars speeding along the Mass Pike below... It felt like a new beginning, but a beginning to an end. The end of my college career. I can almost hear the clock ticking off the hours against the inside of my skull. Nine months to go...
After my two hours of class -- Japanese Popular Literature and Culture and Advanced Japanese Language - I met Jessi for a quick lunch and then spent some time walking around Landmark Center with Andy, his mom, and his sister Becky. I helped him grab stuff for his new apartment, and when he left to set it all up and eat dinner I ran to Marsh Plaza to meet my friend Daniel.
Daniel is in town only for this week. He graduated in the spring and has been shooting off grad school applications from his hometown in Virginia. He spent a month of summer in Puerto Rico and I talked to him online a lot while I was in Japan. Last year we took an Intensive Kanji class together last semester and lived in the same building.
We met up in Marsh and I was extremely happy to be greeted with a smile. We ended up grabbing beers at the BU Pub - he owes me 1000 beers because I texted him the morning of his Japanese final and woke him up just in time to not miss it, and he is three down at this point -- and sitting outside in view of the Charles River. Daniel's friendship is one I truly enjoy - he's a genuinely sweet person and conversation comes easy. It's nice.
I spent the night with my Japanese Lit homework and woke up late, nearly being tardy for my Shakespeare class. Erin and Elizabeth are in this class; Elizabeth was in Hamlet with me, so when the professor announced we were reading Hamlet there was much quiet celebrating in our corner of the room. After class I had my first chunk of work in the Core Office, the office in CAS where I have been employed for the past three years, and then spent the rest of the afternoon waiting for Sears to deliver my mattress. They never did, so it's two more nights on the air mattress. I hope my back can take two more nights sleeping on what is essentially the floor...
Right now there are people screaming somewhere outside my window. They're super annoying but yelling "Be quiet!" yields a "Fuck you!" and more screams of girls who are obviously trying too hard to acquire a makeout partner. On my way home this afternoon I thought about that -- I'm not one of those girls. I just do what I do and what comes to me just comes.
I'm exhausted from helping Christina finish unpacking and setting up and I still have some reading to do. More reflective posts coming soon, I promise...
Park Drive is so different from the other places I've lived in this city. For one thing, it's not a dorm. For the firs time ever, I live on the first floor, and while the apartment is small it's cozy and homey and wonderful. As of now there is still plastic wrap and boxes strewn everywhere. In the hallway, in front of my door, in Christina's room, which remains far from put together. But already it's starting to become comfortable, habitable.
Wednesday was my fist day of classes. I walked to the College of Arts and Sciences building this morning with Imogen Heap's "Earth" playing on my iPod. The clear blue sky, brilliant sunlight, the whirring of cars speeding along the Mass Pike below... It felt like a new beginning, but a beginning to an end. The end of my college career. I can almost hear the clock ticking off the hours against the inside of my skull. Nine months to go...
After my two hours of class -- Japanese Popular Literature and Culture and Advanced Japanese Language - I met Jessi for a quick lunch and then spent some time walking around Landmark Center with Andy, his mom, and his sister Becky. I helped him grab stuff for his new apartment, and when he left to set it all up and eat dinner I ran to Marsh Plaza to meet my friend Daniel.
Daniel is in town only for this week. He graduated in the spring and has been shooting off grad school applications from his hometown in Virginia. He spent a month of summer in Puerto Rico and I talked to him online a lot while I was in Japan. Last year we took an Intensive Kanji class together last semester and lived in the same building.
We met up in Marsh and I was extremely happy to be greeted with a smile. We ended up grabbing beers at the BU Pub - he owes me 1000 beers because I texted him the morning of his Japanese final and woke him up just in time to not miss it, and he is three down at this point -- and sitting outside in view of the Charles River. Daniel's friendship is one I truly enjoy - he's a genuinely sweet person and conversation comes easy. It's nice.
I spent the night with my Japanese Lit homework and woke up late, nearly being tardy for my Shakespeare class. Erin and Elizabeth are in this class; Elizabeth was in Hamlet with me, so when the professor announced we were reading Hamlet there was much quiet celebrating in our corner of the room. After class I had my first chunk of work in the Core Office, the office in CAS where I have been employed for the past three years, and then spent the rest of the afternoon waiting for Sears to deliver my mattress. They never did, so it's two more nights on the air mattress. I hope my back can take two more nights sleeping on what is essentially the floor...
Right now there are people screaming somewhere outside my window. They're super annoying but yelling "Be quiet!" yields a "Fuck you!" and more screams of girls who are obviously trying too hard to acquire a makeout partner. On my way home this afternoon I thought about that -- I'm not one of those girls. I just do what I do and what comes to me just comes.
I'm exhausted from helping Christina finish unpacking and setting up and I still have some reading to do. More reflective posts coming soon, I promise...
Monday, August 31, 2009
The Final Countdown: The Last Day
Technically my last day is over. My family is asleep and my room is totally empty so I'm bunked down on the couch with my pup for the night.
This morning Mom and I finally went to see Julie and Julia, which was absolutely fabulous and the best mother-daughter movie ever. We left and immediately wanted to cook -- so for dinner it was a group effort over London broil, sliced grilled potatoes and corn on the cob. Alongside it came a strong pina colada made by my father, the last pina colada of my summer.
We packed my belongings into the back of a van my father acquired from Stephen Kellogg of Stephen Kellogg and the Sixers. Turns out this particular van in one they use on tours and Dad snagged it from him to move me up to Boston. Mr. Kellogg also offered me free tickets and backstage passes to his concert in Somerville in October. I totally took him up this, so now all I have to do is find people to come with me. Gotta love parental connections in the music industry. My Dad is basically the shit.
Oh, dear reader, I never told you who my father was! Remember the song Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye? Of course you do. And on that video is the album cover, and the guy on the bottom right of the pyramid in the blue towel is my father in his early twenties.
So, yes. My Dad is the shit.
After dinner I went to Christi's house to say goodbye. This is a pivotal year for both of us - senior projects and all that rot. It was a little like that morning three years ago when she met me on the street at six a.m. to say our goodbyes the very morning I left for my first year of college. It was supremely foggy outside, and it was a little chilly, and I was dressed and she was in her pajamas and I could have cried. I was leaving my support base behind. But she'll always be there, wherever she goes, and wherever I go. It's all a matter of heart.
I'm getting up at five tomorrow, so I can't afford insomnia tonight. This year is going to be incredible. I can feel it.
I'm shipping up to Boston, whooa-ooooh-ooohh....
This morning Mom and I finally went to see Julie and Julia, which was absolutely fabulous and the best mother-daughter movie ever. We left and immediately wanted to cook -- so for dinner it was a group effort over London broil, sliced grilled potatoes and corn on the cob. Alongside it came a strong pina colada made by my father, the last pina colada of my summer.
We packed my belongings into the back of a van my father acquired from Stephen Kellogg of Stephen Kellogg and the Sixers. Turns out this particular van in one they use on tours and Dad snagged it from him to move me up to Boston. Mr. Kellogg also offered me free tickets and backstage passes to his concert in Somerville in October. I totally took him up this, so now all I have to do is find people to come with me. Gotta love parental connections in the music industry. My Dad is basically the shit.
Oh, dear reader, I never told you who my father was! Remember the song Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye? Of course you do. And on that video is the album cover, and the guy on the bottom right of the pyramid in the blue towel is my father in his early twenties.
So, yes. My Dad is the shit.
After dinner I went to Christi's house to say goodbye. This is a pivotal year for both of us - senior projects and all that rot. It was a little like that morning three years ago when she met me on the street at six a.m. to say our goodbyes the very morning I left for my first year of college. It was supremely foggy outside, and it was a little chilly, and I was dressed and she was in her pajamas and I could have cried. I was leaving my support base behind. But she'll always be there, wherever she goes, and wherever I go. It's all a matter of heart.
I'm getting up at five tomorrow, so I can't afford insomnia tonight. This year is going to be incredible. I can feel it.
I'm shipping up to Boston, whooa-ooooh-ooohh....
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Insomnia?
I should be sleeping, since tomorrow I have to wake up early with the rest of the house and pack the truck. This feeling in reminiscent of the insomnia that plagued me for most of the summer -- the nagging need to sleep and yet a need to be awake. I don't want to close my eyes. It's as though I feel the need to watch the night, make sure nothing goes awry before the morning comes. Now that skies are bright I have to eye them like a hawk. I'm so nervous that something will go wrong.
Or rather, I don't want to lay down and wait for sleep to come. Like a child waiting for Santa Claus, I try to keep my eyes wide upon until the very last second, when sleep creeps silently from behind and covers your eyes, and before you can react you are asleep and there's nothing you can do. I don't want to wait for sleep, I want it to just jump me. I don't like the hours of lying in anticipation, fighting to lay my cheek on the most perfectly cool spot on the pillow. Readjusting the blankets. Peeping one toe out from the edge of the comforter. Turning over, swallowing, yawning, opening and shutting eyes, all that aggravated waiting. I guess I'd rather wear myself out until I get so physically ill of being awake that I just pass out.
I remember how all during the last academic year I'd force myself into bed around ten p.m. and sew my eyes shut until my alarm went off in the morning, regardless of whether or not I was tired. I lost that discipline somewhere down the line of summer. Is this what insomnia is like? Is it, like anorexia, or apathy, the loss of desire to do something? I do not want to sleep. So, I don't.
I'm admittedly getting a little nervous about this upcoming school year. Today I signed up to take the Graduate Records Examination in November and already I'm shaking in my ballet flats. The GRE, my senior Independent Work for Distinction project, my other classes, work, figuring out what I'm doing after senior year... It's so much for one person, and yet, I keep telling myself, I did this same thing on a much lesser scale back in high school. I can handle this. I can do this.
I know I can do this, but I guess all I want right now is for time to move fast. I want to get there, and I want to not worry. I want everyone around me to be calm and happy and devoid of drama. I want to keep the peace that I found in Japan.
I think I'm starting to get a little sleepy now...
Or rather, I don't want to lay down and wait for sleep to come. Like a child waiting for Santa Claus, I try to keep my eyes wide upon until the very last second, when sleep creeps silently from behind and covers your eyes, and before you can react you are asleep and there's nothing you can do. I don't want to wait for sleep, I want it to just jump me. I don't like the hours of lying in anticipation, fighting to lay my cheek on the most perfectly cool spot on the pillow. Readjusting the blankets. Peeping one toe out from the edge of the comforter. Turning over, swallowing, yawning, opening and shutting eyes, all that aggravated waiting. I guess I'd rather wear myself out until I get so physically ill of being awake that I just pass out.
I remember how all during the last academic year I'd force myself into bed around ten p.m. and sew my eyes shut until my alarm went off in the morning, regardless of whether or not I was tired. I lost that discipline somewhere down the line of summer. Is this what insomnia is like? Is it, like anorexia, or apathy, the loss of desire to do something? I do not want to sleep. So, I don't.
I'm admittedly getting a little nervous about this upcoming school year. Today I signed up to take the Graduate Records Examination in November and already I'm shaking in my ballet flats. The GRE, my senior Independent Work for Distinction project, my other classes, work, figuring out what I'm doing after senior year... It's so much for one person, and yet, I keep telling myself, I did this same thing on a much lesser scale back in high school. I can handle this. I can do this.
I know I can do this, but I guess all I want right now is for time to move fast. I want to get there, and I want to not worry. I want everyone around me to be calm and happy and devoid of drama. I want to keep the peace that I found in Japan.
I think I'm starting to get a little sleepy now...
The Final Countdown: Two Days
Everything is assembled and packed. My room is empty. My pup knows for sure that I'm leaving. Christina has the wireless Internet, cable, and electricity already set up to be activated when we move in on Tuesday. Her and Fabiana are ready to throw their stuff into a UHaul and at 3:00 p.m. two days from now we will officially be roommates. I'm so excited I might pop.
I made a loaf of spiced zucchini bread to serve as breakfast since that first day we don't have time to purchase groceries. I'm still debating what to wear on the first day of classes, and I've been waiting impatiently for Sears to call me and let me know when on Wednesday my bed will be delivered.
It's incredible how different and not different this is. It's not different because this is the fifth time I've up and left for an extended period of time. It's different because this time I'm bringing most of my life with me, my brother is moving into my room, and Boston will be where I spend the majority of the next year. My lease runs until August 31, 2010, and I plan on staying there for as long as I can.
Then after that, who knows? To grad school, to film school, to Japan. But probably not back to Fairfield County.
Oh jeeze. Two days left.
I made a loaf of spiced zucchini bread to serve as breakfast since that first day we don't have time to purchase groceries. I'm still debating what to wear on the first day of classes, and I've been waiting impatiently for Sears to call me and let me know when on Wednesday my bed will be delivered.
It's incredible how different and not different this is. It's not different because this is the fifth time I've up and left for an extended period of time. It's different because this time I'm bringing most of my life with me, my brother is moving into my room, and Boston will be where I spend the majority of the next year. My lease runs until August 31, 2010, and I plan on staying there for as long as I can.
Then after that, who knows? To grad school, to film school, to Japan. But probably not back to Fairfield County.
Oh jeeze. Two days left.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
The Final Countdown: Three Days
Oh, the humanity.
After a very sleepless night -- I watched episodes of Iron Chef America on YouTube until my eyelids drooped -- I again slapped my alarm quiet and was rudely awoken an hour later to my family exploding at the other end of the house. My mother has been running around the house like a headless chicken, my brothers skittering after her, rearranging things and dusting and cleaning and getting everything that we no longer use up into the attic or in a pile for the tag sale.
My room is totally bare. Everything in empty, including the closet. Scarlet wandered into it yesterday, sniffed around, then looked up at me with puppy incredulousness, as if she asked me, "Why is it empty? Where did everything go?" I toted my nightstand down to the basement and Scarlet followed me. She stood on the landing and stared at the sea of taped cardboard boxes and plastic bags, standing in the middle of the floor like a mountain range. After a while she padded down the last flight of steps and wandered through them, sniffing at the edges and standing up on her hind legs to peek over them. When she was done she walked over to my feet and looked up at me with her ears back. Of course my scent is all over the boxes, because they're filled with my things. She seemed upset so after she followed me upstairs I gave her a dried bacon chewy treat.
I just cooked lunch with my mother for what was probably the last time for a long time. I made garlic bread from scratch with Parmesan and chives, sauteed some onions, bell peppers and mushrooms, and sliced tomatoes and mozzarella and made a little stack with them. Now I'm curled up on my bed in a pile of mismatched blankets (my sheets are packed) watching my beloved Food Network and debating whether or not a nap is a good idea.
It's so odd, sitting in this pretty much empty room. Life changes, here I come.
Less then three days.
After a very sleepless night -- I watched episodes of Iron Chef America on YouTube until my eyelids drooped -- I again slapped my alarm quiet and was rudely awoken an hour later to my family exploding at the other end of the house. My mother has been running around the house like a headless chicken, my brothers skittering after her, rearranging things and dusting and cleaning and getting everything that we no longer use up into the attic or in a pile for the tag sale.
My room is totally bare. Everything in empty, including the closet. Scarlet wandered into it yesterday, sniffed around, then looked up at me with puppy incredulousness, as if she asked me, "Why is it empty? Where did everything go?" I toted my nightstand down to the basement and Scarlet followed me. She stood on the landing and stared at the sea of taped cardboard boxes and plastic bags, standing in the middle of the floor like a mountain range. After a while she padded down the last flight of steps and wandered through them, sniffing at the edges and standing up on her hind legs to peek over them. When she was done she walked over to my feet and looked up at me with her ears back. Of course my scent is all over the boxes, because they're filled with my things. She seemed upset so after she followed me upstairs I gave her a dried bacon chewy treat.
I just cooked lunch with my mother for what was probably the last time for a long time. I made garlic bread from scratch with Parmesan and chives, sauteed some onions, bell peppers and mushrooms, and sliced tomatoes and mozzarella and made a little stack with them. Now I'm curled up on my bed in a pile of mismatched blankets (my sheets are packed) watching my beloved Food Network and debating whether or not a nap is a good idea.
It's so odd, sitting in this pretty much empty room. Life changes, here I come.
Less then three days.
Friday, August 28, 2009
The Final Countdown: Four Days
Again I'm gleaning inspiration from Mallory and writing up another semi-reflective post. Mal posted a review of all her Facebook statuses from this summer. I thought perhaps I'd do the same...
May 11: Alexa survived the semester.
Alexa is 21 in 11, Japan in 19.
Alexa is flouncing about Shelton. Japan in 17.
Alexa never realized that fleeing the country would be so much work. Japan in 16.
Alexa is studying her keigo. Japan in 15.
Alexa is new clothes and a new computer! Japan in 14.
Alexa is scouring the shops for the perfect birthday outfit. Japan in 13.
Alexa is getting some long-overdue reading done. Japan in 12.
Alexa is pimpin' out her shiny new Eee PC! Japan in 11.
Alexa is eating Christi's food and finishing that reading... Japan in 10.
Alexa is guh... Japan in 10.
Alexa gave up reading the Twilight series on page 276 of the third book.
Alexa is off to Boston for some birthday shenanigans! Japan in 7!
Alexa is MISSION TIME!!!!
Alexa's Skype ID is alexa.ray.corriea so go find her!
Alexa is packing... Again? :(
Alexa is off to Japan.
Alexa is on Japanese soil!
Alexa can't go on without you.
Alexa の日本では、食べ過ぎて、飲みすぎて、少し勉強しています。 (Translation: Alexa is in Japan eating too much, drinking too much, and studying a little.)
Alexa misses you.
Alexa's life was recently summarized by her 11-year-old brother: martinis, shrimp, beer, money, coffee, cell phones, and ninjas. What a life to lead.
Alexa wants to stand with you on a mountain.
Alexa has found a pair of Japanese shoes that actually fit her: strappy, bright pink pumps.
Alexa biked across Kyoto in the torrential rain and thinks the cold she caught was totally worth it.
Alexa is spirited away.
Alexa saw so many Buddhas today and had green tea and sakura blossom ice cream. Japan wins.
Alexa really wants to go to a hot spring.
Alexa was innocently biking down the street when a flock of schoolgirls all pointed at her and shrieked "GAIJIN!" at the same time. I love you too, Japan.
Alexa in these deep city lights could get lost tonight, finding every reason to be gone, nothing to hold on to, could I hold on to you?
Alexa no longer wakes up to the gongs anymore... Is this a good thing?
Alexa's fortune from Yasakajinja says that the key to her fortune is the "Rainbow Bridge." She hopes to God that doesn't involve Mario Kart in any way.
Alexa is gathering the seeds of the mourning daylight.
Alexa needs more sleep...
Alexa does not even know.
Alexa has a two-track mind: cake and her beloved bicycle.
Alexa cannot find peace within.
Alexa could use some cake and a new book.
Alexa is traipsing around Kyoto.
Alexa is drowning in the Kyoto summer sky.
Alexa will find the jerk that took the green ribbon off her bike and end him.
Alexa can't see as well as she used to.
Alexa is noticing, as she picks through the Tale of the Bamboo Cutter, that she is not so unlike Kaguyahime.
Alexa thinks there's something therapeutic about translating waka poetry.
Alexa's poor heart is beating harder than ever. Two weeks.
Alexa finds that biking in the warm rain does some to calm her thundering heart.
Alexa: But break, my heart, for I must hold my tongue.
Alexa: Watch and you'll see, someday I'll be...
Alexa: Relax, relapse, reverse, rebirth... Endless.
Alexa's poker face sucks.
Alexa walked right into and disrupted a Shinto-Buddhist mass today. GAIJIN SMASH.
Alexa wishes everyone back home in the states a Happy Fourth of July!
Alexa still remembers, and does not intend to forget.
Alexa believes that life is holding the clues.
Alexa is holding on to the only thing Pandora left in the box: Hope.
Alexa's mother just picked up a new hobby: ghost hunting. So THAT is where she gets it from.
Alexa: "People make mistakes. Fathers, mothers, people make mistakes holding to their own, thinking they're alone. Honor the mistakes everybody makes, one another's terrible mistakes... Witches can be right. Giants can be good. You decide what's right. You decide what's good."
Alexa: "Oh, what I would give, if only you could know..."
Alexa doesn't know where else to look... but forward.
Alexa: "All my secrets, you would learn them. All my longings, you'd return them. Then the silence would be broken, not a word would need be spoken..."
Alexa has realized that there probably wasn't much to do in the Heian period except write poetry and have sex.
Alexa is recovering.
Alexa has gone from grey to white.
Alexa is studying for her final tomorrow and cramming everything she has into her suitcase. One more dawn, one more day...
Alexa is taking her Classical Japanese final, going to the Gion Matsuri festival... and then saying goodbye to the Land of the Rising Sun.
Alexa is bound for home. As we say in koten, "Shiru, shirazu."
Alexa hates Chicago O'Hare airport even more the second time around. Back on U.S. soil!
Alexa is home.
Alexa screamed during Harry Potter and everyone won't stop making fun of her.
Alexa: Bedtime: 5:15 p.m. Wake up: 6:02 a.m. Jetlag from Japan is obviously superior to other jetlags.
Alexa is posing nude for Christilynn's latest painting.
Alexa is preparing for her crusade with chilled plum wine and Sun Tzu's "The Art of War."
Alexa is out of the frying pan and into the fire.
Alexa is cozy, full, and safe in Boston, thanks to a few truly wonderful people.
Alexa woke up to gray skies, soft light, and a thundering heart.
Alexa is cheered by edamame and Christina coming home.
Alexa is amazed by the support left on her blog. Thank you, whoever you all are.
Alexa aches behind her smile.
Alexa couldn't tell you.
Alexa was told to follow her heart and she did. To a dead end.
Alexa: Jabberwocky.
Alexa is going home.
Alexa: "She said, call me now baby, and I'd come a-runnin'..."
Alexa hopes you brought a life vest! (Sidenote: "You," and not me, are up shit creek.)
Alexa is cooking with Christi - mushroom risotto and basil pesto ciabatta toast. Slowly but surely I'm getting my groove back.
Alexa is the special surprise at Christi's shindig tonight! Hope I didn't ruin anything...
Alexa: Head underwater, and they tell me to breathe easy for a while. But breathing gets harder - even I know that.
Alexa is reading too much, which is bad for her sense of reality.
Alexa knows you'd rather watch her fall... but this is just another reason to resort to the big weapons. Good thing she made some lembas bread.
Alexa is suddenly very busy. Sun, wind, sea, wine, new books and new plans. Lovely!
Alexa is living this week like it's Shark Week. BECAUSE IT IS.
Alexa: "If I was you, I would've whacked up like five lobsters..." - Bobby Flay. NFNS Finale time!
Alexa thinks today will be a day of letters. And for the making of her killer diabetes-waiting-to-happen brownies. Come grab one if you're in the area.
Alexa doesn't remember the college application process being as frightening as she is finding the grad school application process...
Alexa's baby bro is in the ER after his first day of football practice. He is truly my sibling. I could cry.
Alexa's brother is alright. Pheew.
Alexa: You're hot then you're cold, you're yes then you're no, you're in then you're out, you're up than you're down, you're wrong when it's right, it's black and it's white...
Alexa: Thank you to whoever is leaving me the anonymous words of encouragement and enthusiasm on my blog.
Alexa: "Can't take the kid from the fight, take the fight from the kid, sit back, relax, sit back, relapse again..."
Alexa now knows things, many valuable things, that she hadn't known before.
Alexa: WHO ARE YOU?
Alexa is celebrating her youngest sibling's 12th birthday. Oh Jake, I remember when you were a gurgling baby in a carrier...
Alexa: "Lord, we know what we are, but not what we may be."
Alexa wants to know why her life suddenly turned into reverse Tenchi Muyo.
Alexa will not be dreaming for a while.
Alexa is getting down to business. Huns involved.
Alexa: "Too long I've been afraid of losing love I guess I've lost. Well if that's love, it comes at much too high a cost..."
Alexa challenges Bobby Flay to a throwdown Throwdown. DO YOU HEAR THAT BOBBY FLAY?!
Alexa is really upset that she missed Bobby Flay being in CT. Someday, I'LL GET YOU FLAY!!!
Alexa: If you gots the poison, I gots the remedy.
Alexa: New direction in life, new underwear: that's what I always say.
Alexa and Scarlet wish they could wake up to Mallory in the living room.
Alexa is eating. Are you happy now?!
Alexa's life seems to take the laws of physics as merely suggestions.
Alexa just got her prospectus package from London Film School.
Alexa is going out -- seeing Ponyo!
Alexa totally misses Japan, kobun class, and her orange death machine.
Alexa wants to know why she has voicemails but no missed call log, and why she never noticed it was missing all day.
Alexa is the Brownie Fairy today.
Alexa was just alerted to this and cautioned to watch her back: http://www.thebostonchannel.com/news/20421431/detail.html
Alexa spent her night flinching away from lights in the ER and is now home being force fed red meat and bread. Second hospital visit in one month, way to go.
Alexa thinks that maybe if you yell at her long enough she'll stop crashing into things.
Alexa: New Express jeans, a plush full bed with silk sheets, and a shiny new kitchen arsenal. I'm ready when you are, baby.
Alexa gets to spend her senior year writing about The Lord of the Rings, fangirling out -- and get graded on it. Life is freaking awesome.
Alexa's pup led her into the path of another moving vehicle. Girl and pup are okay and now on the couch nursing girl's migraine.
Alexa: Last hurrah tonight!
Alexa is disappointed.
Alexa is watching Yo Gabba Gabba with the girls and drinking rum and coke. Oh my life.
Alexa is thinking of everyone up to Boston who's going to get smacked around by Hurricane Bill. Eight more days you guys and I'll be there to rescue you!
Alexa's boxes containing her stuff keep popping open. My life cannot be constrained by duct tape!
Alexa: One more week, that's all I've got, and then I'm gone, gone, away and gone.
Alexa is drinking too much coffee. Boston in 7.
Alexa: DON'T BITE YOUR FRIENDS.
Alexa just wants to get back up to Boston already! Also my countdown was off. Boston in 7.
Alexa is itching to get back up to Boston. Damn you late lease turnover dates!!!
Alexa started the fire. DEAL WITH IT.
Alexa dreamt that she battled her way off a cruise ship filled with zombies. Her subconscious is awesome.
Alexa is going to blow Bobbby Flay's mouth away.
August 27: Alexa's childhood bedroom is now a mere skeleton of what it used to be.
Well that was certainly a rollercoaster.
Yesterday morning, after again dismissing my 9:00 a.m. alarm and rolling over, I was woken up at 10:30 by my mother exclaiming that Christilynn was here and that she had brought me what looked like coffee. Disheveled and still in the spanky-shorts that I typically sleep in, I wandered down the hallway towards the main area of the house. There was no vertigo until I passed the open front door and saw the Jehovah's witnesses standing there.
These are those moments in my life when someone should really have a camera trained on me. I can be a real class act sometimes.
Taken completely my surprise, my reaction was to immediately screech, "OH MY GOD JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES AT THE DOOR," dart into the kitchen, tripping over the gate we put up for Scarlet on the way, darted around my best friend who was sitting at the counter looking absolutely confused, and ducked down to hide under said counter at the feet of her chair. "Oh my God I do not need this in the morning."
Mom shooed the Jehovah's witnesses and Christi pointed out that I said "JENOVAH," not "Jehovah." There's my inner Final Fantasy nerd trying to make itself known. It was also discovered that what was thought to be coffee was actually chai latte from Bruegar's Bagels, which was even better. All throughout high school, my mother would one a week take Christi and I to Bruegar's for chai lattes. Since the two of us went to different schools this time together afterward was much cherished.
Right now I'm sitting in my quiet house, alone with the pup. It's kind of dark since there's rain and clouds brewing around outside. I'm waiting for my mother to get home so we can pick up the last of the things I need before the big move on Tuesday. Ohhhh the big move...
My childhood bedroom is dismantled. The bed is stripped of the familiar Oriental-patterned sheets, the walls are bare of the Lord of the Rings posters and my infamous Yu Yu Hakusho wallscroll. The bookcase is completely empty and only my Eee PC remains on my desk, waiting for Tuesday when I packed it up too for the journey. My dresser has only my underwear and a few pairs of pants left in it, and the floor of my closet has not a shoe or a bag to speak of. The clothes in my closet are getting packed away today, hangers and all. There is simply nothing left of mine in the room.
My mother walked in last night while I sewing some holes on my comforter, looked around, sighed, and for the life of her looked like she did not want to admit she got teary. It's time for me to go, she keeps telling me, but I can tell my family is starting to feel the loss of my physical presence in this house already. Dad came in while I was patching last night and asked me if I wanted steak or a burger of what for dinner. I said anything was fine and he ended up grilling me the last of the huge zucchini that I used to make spiced zucchini bread the other day. Raymond's been adamant about all of us spending time together, and Jake has periodically wandered to wherever I am in the house, stand around and look generally lost while I ask him what he wants. He always says, "Nothing," but I know it's me leaving that's got him all bent out of shape. There were like this when I left for Japan, but not quite as sad. I'll be home for the holidays, but that isn't the same as living and functioning here. And with this being my last year in college, sometime between next May and August the metaphorical umbilical cord must be cut and I must fly out into the world and make a name for myself.
I think Scarlet suspects my departure too. Well, I know she knows I'm headed out, because she's been trotting after me as I lug boxes and bags back and forth between my room and the basement, where everything has been piled up to load into the truck once Dad brings it home this weekend. She has watched me stuff my belongings into boxes, fold away my linens and clothes, and when she's not curiously following me with her little nails clicking on the floor and the charm on her collar jangling, she's curled up into a ball on my bed, her head resting on my body pillow, her eyes half open as she watches me go about my business. She's been very clingy since the escape incident with the car a week ago (I have such terrible luck with moving vehicles, have you noticed this, dear reader?), but since my room was emptied she's been sticking even closer to me. I'm the one sneaks her bacon; I'm going to miss her.
I'm going to miss my whole family, and my friends. Things won't be this quiet in Boston. But, you know, I think I've had enough of quiet. I've had time to rest and recover and it's time to go back.
Four more days.
May 11: Alexa survived the semester.
Alexa is 21 in 11, Japan in 19.
Alexa is flouncing about Shelton. Japan in 17.
Alexa never realized that fleeing the country would be so much work. Japan in 16.
Alexa is studying her keigo. Japan in 15.
Alexa is new clothes and a new computer! Japan in 14.
Alexa is scouring the shops for the perfect birthday outfit. Japan in 13.
Alexa is getting some long-overdue reading done. Japan in 12.
Alexa is pimpin' out her shiny new Eee PC! Japan in 11.
Alexa is eating Christi's food and finishing that reading... Japan in 10.
Alexa is guh... Japan in 10.
Alexa gave up reading the Twilight series on page 276 of the third book.
Alexa is off to Boston for some birthday shenanigans! Japan in 7!
Alexa is MISSION TIME!!!!
Alexa's Skype ID is alexa.ray.corriea so go find her!
Alexa is packing... Again? :(
Alexa is off to Japan.
Alexa is on Japanese soil!
Alexa can't go on without you.
Alexa の日本では、食べ過ぎて、飲みすぎて、少し勉強しています。 (Translation: Alexa is in Japan eating too much, drinking too much, and studying a little.)
Alexa misses you.
Alexa's life was recently summarized by her 11-year-old brother: martinis, shrimp, beer, money, coffee, cell phones, and ninjas. What a life to lead.
Alexa wants to stand with you on a mountain.
Alexa has found a pair of Japanese shoes that actually fit her: strappy, bright pink pumps.
Alexa biked across Kyoto in the torrential rain and thinks the cold she caught was totally worth it.
Alexa is spirited away.
Alexa saw so many Buddhas today and had green tea and sakura blossom ice cream. Japan wins.
Alexa really wants to go to a hot spring.
Alexa was innocently biking down the street when a flock of schoolgirls all pointed at her and shrieked "GAIJIN!" at the same time. I love you too, Japan.
Alexa in these deep city lights could get lost tonight, finding every reason to be gone, nothing to hold on to, could I hold on to you?
Alexa no longer wakes up to the gongs anymore... Is this a good thing?
Alexa's fortune from Yasakajinja says that the key to her fortune is the "Rainbow Bridge." She hopes to God that doesn't involve Mario Kart in any way.
Alexa is gathering the seeds of the mourning daylight.
Alexa needs more sleep...
Alexa does not even know.
Alexa has a two-track mind: cake and her beloved bicycle.
Alexa cannot find peace within.
Alexa could use some cake and a new book.
Alexa is traipsing around Kyoto.
Alexa is drowning in the Kyoto summer sky.
Alexa will find the jerk that took the green ribbon off her bike and end him.
Alexa can't see as well as she used to.
Alexa is noticing, as she picks through the Tale of the Bamboo Cutter, that she is not so unlike Kaguyahime.
Alexa thinks there's something therapeutic about translating waka poetry.
Alexa's poor heart is beating harder than ever. Two weeks.
Alexa finds that biking in the warm rain does some to calm her thundering heart.
Alexa: But break, my heart, for I must hold my tongue.
Alexa: Watch and you'll see, someday I'll be...
Alexa: Relax, relapse, reverse, rebirth... Endless.
Alexa's poker face sucks.
Alexa walked right into and disrupted a Shinto-Buddhist mass today. GAIJIN SMASH.
Alexa wishes everyone back home in the states a Happy Fourth of July!
Alexa still remembers, and does not intend to forget.
Alexa believes that life is holding the clues.
Alexa is holding on to the only thing Pandora left in the box: Hope.
Alexa's mother just picked up a new hobby: ghost hunting. So THAT is where she gets it from.
Alexa: "People make mistakes. Fathers, mothers, people make mistakes holding to their own, thinking they're alone. Honor the mistakes everybody makes, one another's terrible mistakes... Witches can be right. Giants can be good. You decide what's right. You decide what's good."
Alexa: "Oh, what I would give, if only you could know..."
Alexa doesn't know where else to look... but forward.
Alexa: "All my secrets, you would learn them. All my longings, you'd return them. Then the silence would be broken, not a word would need be spoken..."
Alexa has realized that there probably wasn't much to do in the Heian period except write poetry and have sex.
Alexa is recovering.
Alexa has gone from grey to white.
Alexa is studying for her final tomorrow and cramming everything she has into her suitcase. One more dawn, one more day...
Alexa is taking her Classical Japanese final, going to the Gion Matsuri festival... and then saying goodbye to the Land of the Rising Sun.
Alexa is bound for home. As we say in koten, "Shiru, shirazu."
Alexa hates Chicago O'Hare airport even more the second time around. Back on U.S. soil!
Alexa is home.
Alexa screamed during Harry Potter and everyone won't stop making fun of her.
Alexa: Bedtime: 5:15 p.m. Wake up: 6:02 a.m. Jetlag from Japan is obviously superior to other jetlags.
Alexa is posing nude for Christilynn's latest painting.
Alexa is preparing for her crusade with chilled plum wine and Sun Tzu's "The Art of War."
Alexa is out of the frying pan and into the fire.
Alexa is cozy, full, and safe in Boston, thanks to a few truly wonderful people.
Alexa woke up to gray skies, soft light, and a thundering heart.
Alexa is cheered by edamame and Christina coming home.
Alexa is amazed by the support left on her blog. Thank you, whoever you all are.
Alexa aches behind her smile.
Alexa couldn't tell you.
Alexa was told to follow her heart and she did. To a dead end.
Alexa: Jabberwocky.
Alexa is going home.
Alexa: "She said, call me now baby, and I'd come a-runnin'..."
Alexa hopes you brought a life vest! (Sidenote: "You," and not me, are up shit creek.)
Alexa is cooking with Christi - mushroom risotto and basil pesto ciabatta toast. Slowly but surely I'm getting my groove back.
Alexa is the special surprise at Christi's shindig tonight! Hope I didn't ruin anything...
Alexa: Head underwater, and they tell me to breathe easy for a while. But breathing gets harder - even I know that.
Alexa is reading too much, which is bad for her sense of reality.
Alexa knows you'd rather watch her fall... but this is just another reason to resort to the big weapons. Good thing she made some lembas bread.
Alexa is suddenly very busy. Sun, wind, sea, wine, new books and new plans. Lovely!
Alexa is living this week like it's Shark Week. BECAUSE IT IS.
Alexa: "If I was you, I would've whacked up like five lobsters..." - Bobby Flay. NFNS Finale time!
Alexa thinks today will be a day of letters. And for the making of her killer diabetes-waiting-to-happen brownies. Come grab one if you're in the area.
Alexa doesn't remember the college application process being as frightening as she is finding the grad school application process...
Alexa's baby bro is in the ER after his first day of football practice. He is truly my sibling. I could cry.
Alexa's brother is alright. Pheew.
Alexa: You're hot then you're cold, you're yes then you're no, you're in then you're out, you're up than you're down, you're wrong when it's right, it's black and it's white...
Alexa: Thank you to whoever is leaving me the anonymous words of encouragement and enthusiasm on my blog.
Alexa: "Can't take the kid from the fight, take the fight from the kid, sit back, relax, sit back, relapse again..."
Alexa now knows things, many valuable things, that she hadn't known before.
Alexa: WHO ARE YOU?
Alexa is celebrating her youngest sibling's 12th birthday. Oh Jake, I remember when you were a gurgling baby in a carrier...
Alexa: "Lord, we know what we are, but not what we may be."
Alexa wants to know why her life suddenly turned into reverse Tenchi Muyo.
Alexa will not be dreaming for a while.
Alexa is getting down to business. Huns involved.
Alexa: "Too long I've been afraid of losing love I guess I've lost. Well if that's love, it comes at much too high a cost..."
Alexa challenges Bobby Flay to a throwdown Throwdown. DO YOU HEAR THAT BOBBY FLAY?!
Alexa is really upset that she missed Bobby Flay being in CT. Someday, I'LL GET YOU FLAY!!!
Alexa: If you gots the poison, I gots the remedy.
Alexa: New direction in life, new underwear: that's what I always say.
Alexa and Scarlet wish they could wake up to Mallory in the living room.
Alexa is eating. Are you happy now?!
Alexa's life seems to take the laws of physics as merely suggestions.
Alexa just got her prospectus package from London Film School.
Alexa is going out -- seeing Ponyo!
Alexa totally misses Japan, kobun class, and her orange death machine.
Alexa wants to know why she has voicemails but no missed call log, and why she never noticed it was missing all day.
Alexa is the Brownie Fairy today.
Alexa was just alerted to this and cautioned to watch her back: http://www.thebostonchannel.com/news/20421431/detail.html
Alexa spent her night flinching away from lights in the ER and is now home being force fed red meat and bread. Second hospital visit in one month, way to go.
Alexa thinks that maybe if you yell at her long enough she'll stop crashing into things.
Alexa: New Express jeans, a plush full bed with silk sheets, and a shiny new kitchen arsenal. I'm ready when you are, baby.
Alexa gets to spend her senior year writing about The Lord of the Rings, fangirling out -- and get graded on it. Life is freaking awesome.
Alexa's pup led her into the path of another moving vehicle. Girl and pup are okay and now on the couch nursing girl's migraine.
Alexa: Last hurrah tonight!
Alexa is disappointed.
Alexa is watching Yo Gabba Gabba with the girls and drinking rum and coke. Oh my life.
Alexa is thinking of everyone up to Boston who's going to get smacked around by Hurricane Bill. Eight more days you guys and I'll be there to rescue you!
Alexa's boxes containing her stuff keep popping open. My life cannot be constrained by duct tape!
Alexa: One more week, that's all I've got, and then I'm gone, gone, away and gone.
Alexa is drinking too much coffee. Boston in 7.
Alexa: DON'T BITE YOUR FRIENDS.
Alexa just wants to get back up to Boston already! Also my countdown was off. Boston in 7.
Alexa is itching to get back up to Boston. Damn you late lease turnover dates!!!
Alexa started the fire. DEAL WITH IT.
Alexa dreamt that she battled her way off a cruise ship filled with zombies. Her subconscious is awesome.
Alexa is going to blow Bobbby Flay's mouth away.
August 27: Alexa's childhood bedroom is now a mere skeleton of what it used to be.
Well that was certainly a rollercoaster.
Yesterday morning, after again dismissing my 9:00 a.m. alarm and rolling over, I was woken up at 10:30 by my mother exclaiming that Christilynn was here and that she had brought me what looked like coffee. Disheveled and still in the spanky-shorts that I typically sleep in, I wandered down the hallway towards the main area of the house. There was no vertigo until I passed the open front door and saw the Jehovah's witnesses standing there.
These are those moments in my life when someone should really have a camera trained on me. I can be a real class act sometimes.
Taken completely my surprise, my reaction was to immediately screech, "OH MY GOD JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES AT THE DOOR," dart into the kitchen, tripping over the gate we put up for Scarlet on the way, darted around my best friend who was sitting at the counter looking absolutely confused, and ducked down to hide under said counter at the feet of her chair. "Oh my God I do not need this in the morning."
Mom shooed the Jehovah's witnesses and Christi pointed out that I said "JENOVAH," not "Jehovah." There's my inner Final Fantasy nerd trying to make itself known. It was also discovered that what was thought to be coffee was actually chai latte from Bruegar's Bagels, which was even better. All throughout high school, my mother would one a week take Christi and I to Bruegar's for chai lattes. Since the two of us went to different schools this time together afterward was much cherished.
Right now I'm sitting in my quiet house, alone with the pup. It's kind of dark since there's rain and clouds brewing around outside. I'm waiting for my mother to get home so we can pick up the last of the things I need before the big move on Tuesday. Ohhhh the big move...
My childhood bedroom is dismantled. The bed is stripped of the familiar Oriental-patterned sheets, the walls are bare of the Lord of the Rings posters and my infamous Yu Yu Hakusho wallscroll. The bookcase is completely empty and only my Eee PC remains on my desk, waiting for Tuesday when I packed it up too for the journey. My dresser has only my underwear and a few pairs of pants left in it, and the floor of my closet has not a shoe or a bag to speak of. The clothes in my closet are getting packed away today, hangers and all. There is simply nothing left of mine in the room.
My mother walked in last night while I sewing some holes on my comforter, looked around, sighed, and for the life of her looked like she did not want to admit she got teary. It's time for me to go, she keeps telling me, but I can tell my family is starting to feel the loss of my physical presence in this house already. Dad came in while I was patching last night and asked me if I wanted steak or a burger of what for dinner. I said anything was fine and he ended up grilling me the last of the huge zucchini that I used to make spiced zucchini bread the other day. Raymond's been adamant about all of us spending time together, and Jake has periodically wandered to wherever I am in the house, stand around and look generally lost while I ask him what he wants. He always says, "Nothing," but I know it's me leaving that's got him all bent out of shape. There were like this when I left for Japan, but not quite as sad. I'll be home for the holidays, but that isn't the same as living and functioning here. And with this being my last year in college, sometime between next May and August the metaphorical umbilical cord must be cut and I must fly out into the world and make a name for myself.
I think Scarlet suspects my departure too. Well, I know she knows I'm headed out, because she's been trotting after me as I lug boxes and bags back and forth between my room and the basement, where everything has been piled up to load into the truck once Dad brings it home this weekend. She has watched me stuff my belongings into boxes, fold away my linens and clothes, and when she's not curiously following me with her little nails clicking on the floor and the charm on her collar jangling, she's curled up into a ball on my bed, her head resting on my body pillow, her eyes half open as she watches me go about my business. She's been very clingy since the escape incident with the car a week ago (I have such terrible luck with moving vehicles, have you noticed this, dear reader?), but since my room was emptied she's been sticking even closer to me. I'm the one sneaks her bacon; I'm going to miss her.
I'm going to miss my whole family, and my friends. Things won't be this quiet in Boston. But, you know, I think I've had enough of quiet. I've had time to rest and recover and it's time to go back.
Four more days.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
The Final Countdown: Five Days
(Thank you Mallory, for reminding me of that ridiculous and infamous song, and inspiring this series of post titles.)
In light of my extremely reflective and depressing post from yesterday, I feel the need to clarify that I am absolutely okay. Minus the migraines and cracking joints I am functioning quite pleasantly. I just wanted to get that out there.
I keep saying that my time in Japan was emotionally exhausting for many different reasons, and I mean that. But what I haven't been so adamant about, I believe, is what I really got out of it. The lessons, the knowledge, the friendships, everything I came away with. But the experience was so powerful and brought me into such a positive state of mind that I can say with complete confidence that it was good for me. No matter under what circumstances or what happened there, it was something I had to do.
Today I finally finished packing my books. Oh, there is nothing so hard to choosing what books to bring away with you and which can stay behind in a box in the attic until you're ready to fetch them. It was heartbreaking, putting those books into piles, trying to determine which ones were too important not to keep close to me. I almost cried a few times -- many of the books I've had since high school, middle school even, were recommendations from friends, or gifts, or something I ready for class that I loved so much I just had to run out and buy my own copy.
I managed to narrow it down to three boxes -- three boxes about the size of my torso. I packed all my Tolkien books (mostly because my senior project requires the material), my textbooks, all my Japanese books and my twenty-something cookbooks, the Harry Potter series, one or two seriess by Tamora Pierce, a few tomes including Anna Karenina, a collection of Grimm's Fairy Tales, the Chronicles of Narnia and a special edition of Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass...
Separating a writer from her collection of literature sucks. As I piled all the books I just couldn't take with me into a box to put in the attic, it felt like I was saying good-bye to old friends. They won't be there staring me in the face when I wake up in the morning (my bed faced my bookshelf), and who knows how long it will be before they again see the light of day.
My room is almost bare, and I'm sleeping on a set of sheets and pillows that I won't be taking with me. Five more days. It's reminiscent of the beginning of the video game Kingdom Hearts II, when the player has to go through eight days in the life of character, and at the end of those eight days his life changes and he realizes that nothing is what he thought it was. But, is such instability in my future? Or will my most intense academic year yet run smoothly, brightly?
Brightly, probably. Smoothly? I'm not so sure... But perhaps the stress will be well worth it when I emerge victorious with a huge thesis and a B.A. in English and Japanese Language.
Five days.
In light of my extremely reflective and depressing post from yesterday, I feel the need to clarify that I am absolutely okay. Minus the migraines and cracking joints I am functioning quite pleasantly. I just wanted to get that out there.
I keep saying that my time in Japan was emotionally exhausting for many different reasons, and I mean that. But what I haven't been so adamant about, I believe, is what I really got out of it. The lessons, the knowledge, the friendships, everything I came away with. But the experience was so powerful and brought me into such a positive state of mind that I can say with complete confidence that it was good for me. No matter under what circumstances or what happened there, it was something I had to do.
Today I finally finished packing my books. Oh, there is nothing so hard to choosing what books to bring away with you and which can stay behind in a box in the attic until you're ready to fetch them. It was heartbreaking, putting those books into piles, trying to determine which ones were too important not to keep close to me. I almost cried a few times -- many of the books I've had since high school, middle school even, were recommendations from friends, or gifts, or something I ready for class that I loved so much I just had to run out and buy my own copy.
I managed to narrow it down to three boxes -- three boxes about the size of my torso. I packed all my Tolkien books (mostly because my senior project requires the material), my textbooks, all my Japanese books and my twenty-something cookbooks, the Harry Potter series, one or two seriess by Tamora Pierce, a few tomes including Anna Karenina, a collection of Grimm's Fairy Tales, the Chronicles of Narnia and a special edition of Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass...
Separating a writer from her collection of literature sucks. As I piled all the books I just couldn't take with me into a box to put in the attic, it felt like I was saying good-bye to old friends. They won't be there staring me in the face when I wake up in the morning (my bed faced my bookshelf), and who knows how long it will be before they again see the light of day.
My room is almost bare, and I'm sleeping on a set of sheets and pillows that I won't be taking with me. Five more days. It's reminiscent of the beginning of the video game Kingdom Hearts II, when the player has to go through eight days in the life of character, and at the end of those eight days his life changes and he realizes that nothing is what he thought it was. But, is such instability in my future? Or will my most intense academic year yet run smoothly, brightly?
Brightly, probably. Smoothly? I'm not so sure... But perhaps the stress will be well worth it when I emerge victorious with a huge thesis and a B.A. in English and Japanese Language.
Five days.
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